Searching for, improving, repairing, or ending relationships is another frequent topic of coaching. Of course, there are lots of different types of relationships – family, friendships, work and romantic relationships being common areas of discussion. As it is Valentine’s Day in New Zealand, and a new series of Married At First Sight Australia is generating interest in the media, it might be worth examining the world of romantic relationships.

What do you need?

The statistics around abuse in relationships are appalling and a bottom line worth considering is that you have to prepare yourself to be a healthy partner, and to only accept a healthy partner. For parents of younger people wanting to prepare them for healthy romantic relationships in the future I would recommend considering the resources of the One Love Foundation.

Something that everyone (whatever your age) could consider is an article on the One Love Foundation website discussing ‘10 Life Skills You Should Have Before You Enter a Relationship.’ The skills listed are: Being able to love your alone time, keeping jealousy from ruining your relationships, managing your finances, being able to manage stress, time management, pursuing your passions, being self aware, ability to be unapologetically yourself, checking your baggage, and improving your communication skills. I imagine few of us will master all these skills, but they can definitely be improved with work and a level of self-awareness around strengths and weaknesses in these areas could go a long way. See the blog post on communication skills for further discussion about this core skill.

What questions should you ask?

Once you have thought about what skills you need to be a healthy partner, it is worth asking yourself what you need to consider before you would enter into a romantic relationship with a person. The following list of questions may be a useful place to start, they were not devised by a relationship expert/therapist but appear in the article ‘Helpful questions to ask before you get into a committed romantic relationship.’

Do we share similar values?

Do I feel like myself with this person?

Does this person bring joy into my life?

What is this person’s style of communication (and what is yours)?

How do we both view the long-term vision of the relationship?

How does this person handle their finances?

Does this person encourage you to be the best version of yourself?

Is there a reason you are hesitating to commit?

How does this person take constructive criticism?

How does this person function in a partnership?

These questions cover a broad range of relationship considerations but you may have your own important questions based on your lifestyle, family, beliefs, etc. A life coach can be useful to work with in determining what questions are important to you. Everyone has their ‘red flags’ and preferences which also come into play, and then there is also realistic expectations to consider.

Is it love?

In his 2015 book ‘The Truth – an uncomfortable book about relationships’ Neil Strauss approaches a number of experts from counsellors to gurus to explore the type of relationship that will work for him. This book is not for everyone, but does provide insight into a host of perspectives. There are two topics that often come up when people are contemplating the state of their romantic relationships and if they continue, and I have provided what I feel is a great quote from Strauss that may promote reflection. These are:

1. Is it infatuation or love?

“In the dance of infatuation, we see others not as they are, but as projections of who we want them to be. And we impose on them all the imaginary criteria we think will fill the void in our hearts. But in the end, this strategy leads only to suffering. It’s not a relationship when the other person is completely left out of it.” (Strauss, 2015; p. 284).”

2. Is it a healthy relationship?

“A healthy relationship is when two individuated adults decide to have a relationship that becomes a third entity. They nurture the relationship and the relationship nurtures them. But they’re not overly dependent or independent: They are interdependent, which means that they take care of the majority of their needs and wants on their own, but when they can’t, they’re not afraid to ask their partner for help … Only when our love for someone exceeds our need for them do we have a shot at a genuine relationship together.” (Strauss, 2015; p. 97).

Is something else holding you back?

For a number of years researchers have studied how childhood trauma and adult attachment styles may influence future romantic relationships. If you feel this is holding you back, then approaching a psychologist or counsellor would be recommended. Recent research suggests that the negative impacts of childhood trauma on relationships can be mitigated by strengthening social support and improving attachment styles.

Preparing for change

One final thing worth remembering before pursuing a romantic relationship is that as people enter different phases of their life, what they want out of relationships changes and this can cause tension in an established relationship. Planning ahead on how you and your partner want to approach or communicate around this challenge may be useful.