Coaching is not about giving advice and is not about focusing on the past. Sometimes though, a person may talk about something they wish they could have told themselves when they were younger. After thinking about this comes the realization that they are in the present and have to look at what they can change now to move forward.

That’s not to say that being reflective on your journey through life is a bad thing, as it can lead to personal insight on how you got to where you are and where you want to go. I stumbled across an interesting YouTube video with the title ‘40 Year Olds Share Advice for Younger Self‘ by Sprouht which is a great example of this. In this thirteen minute video the interviewer asks people what it feels like to be 40, are their friends the same age mostly happy with their life, mistakes or regrets that have provided valuable lessons, what hard choices the person has made that have led them to where they are today, events that have changed outlook on life, truths about life they have learned that they would like to share with others, what is a goal the person set for themselves when they were younger that they did not achieve (and why they think they did not achieve that goal), why do a lot of people feel lost in life, how they think people should navigate life, and what advice would the person give to their 25 year-old self if they could go back in time. The participants were all from different backgrounds but were all people currently living in an individualistic culture (although it appears some may have come from more collectivist cultures).

The whole video is worth watching. The participants chosen all gave interesting responses and had clearly reflected on their own life and their observation of others. Below are the questions (in italics) and responses that resonated the most with me.

Advice on unachieved goals that the person set for themselves when younger

One participant believed people are too hard on themselves – goals are great to have and a good measuring stick, but it is more about the process. I agree that we are often outcome focused and the saying “Life is a journey not a destination” is something that comes to mind. Perhaps we are conditioned from a young age to focus on outcomes (e.g. testing at school to get a good grade) when it is more important to see the opportunities for development, learning, and growth as we move through a process.

What advice would you give to your 25 year-old self?

This question gathered diverse responses “Enjoy being alone.” and “Your gut instinct is usually the right one.” Not worrying about what you cannot control, and taking more risks (overcoming fear) was an answer that resonates with a lot of popular psychology advice. However, the response that stood out for me the most was that just because you made a choice, does not mean you are stuck in that choice. You can always change your mind about anything you want, anytime you want. This is a key realization that can sometimes become clouded for many younger people. A barrier here can be if you have others relying on you to buy food and pay the bills, or need to stay in a certain area to care for a sick or elderly relative, you may not be able to make changes so easily. More careful thought may be required about how and when to make a change for some people, depending on their situation.

Why do so many people feel lost in life?

Responses here related to living up to expectations (from society, family, friends, and partners) and seeking approval from others and how doing this can ‘dilute’ yourself. Perhaps the price of freedom and individualistic cultures is that there are so many options for living your life, growing up in a Western culture I must acknowledge my bias that I think it is a price worth paying.

How should you navigate life?

The response from one participant was to realize that there is not single way to do it – everybody has their own unique way of achieving or dealing with things, and you do not have to do it the way another person does it to get to where you want to be. Everybody will feel lost at times and it is how you deal with it that will propel you forward. This is something I fully support, and it resonates with coaching and that each person you coach is the expert on themselves.

I will go back and watch this video again as I feel there is more to reflect on. I would love to hear your thoughts on the questions or responses given on the video or this post if you have time.

Finally, I should mention that if you do feel like there is something from the past that is holding you back from moving forward, then discussing this with a counsellor or psychologist rather than a coach would be a good place to start.

Enjoy your journey in your own unique way!